Professor Bikey Bike's Bike Shop

Professor Bikey Bike's Bike Shop returns number one for people who are searching for

flaws in the theory of gravity

on Google. We here at PBBBS are alway interested in flaws in gravity...it would definitely fix the problems with our fleet of flying cars, which haven't been working all that well lately.

n this edition of Dissecting the Corporate Media, we take PBBBS to the front lines of the propaganda war being waged in the Homeland. Below is a fairly generic article from our dear fiends at CNN.com, from their front page—which has been specially reformatted for these trying times, to focus in on our special little war.

It should be noted that we are not trying to pick on CNN, but rather illustrate the general sameness of the media coverage at this point. Similar articles were found on many other mainstream media sites. So, with no further rambling, we begin. As per usual, our ever so witty and stylish remarks will be emblazoned across the screen in fire-engine red.

WJSDB,S Gains momentum in a hysterical nation

The two competing texts. On the left, the new, radical views of WJSDB,S and on the right, the classic tome of knowledge handed down from the academic heavens. Jane Greenoff started Cross Stitching after she failed as a professional Graviton in the Queen's Royal Gravitation Society.

n a nation filled with hysterical masses, it should come as no surprise to PBBBS loyal readers (PLR's) that a growing number of hysterics are beginning to reject Newton's Theory of Gravity (and to a far lesser extent, Einstein's General Relativity, mainly because the hysterics don't associate General Relativity with gravity). The alternative 'theory' isn't so much a theory as a movement by the name of We Just Stay Down Because, Stupid (WJSDB,S).

A single dementor can be very frightening.

n insider at the White House has broken his vow of celibacy and silence, after much personal deliberation, and come forth with information he considers vital. We, not wanting to question one so obviously in the throes of madness, really had no choice but to print his report.

Crawler-Transporters not just for Rockets Anymore

The new Ford ExtremeTestament prototype in action for NASA

DEARBORN, Mich.—March 21, 2002
Ford officials today announced the advent of a new era in personal transportation units with the introduction of the Ford ExtremeTestament. Modeled on NASA's Crawler-Transporter series, historically used for moving the space shuttle and other space delivery systems to the launching area, this move puts Ford decisively ahead of the competition.

Nation's Parents, Bush Administration and DEA Rejoice at the Introduction of Orwellian Vocabulary Modification

n a press conference last week, MTV Inc. Revealed that it would be censoring certain words from music videos that aired on the cable channels MTV and MTV2. The surprise came when MTV unveiled the actual subversive words on the list. Words such as "pancakes" and "hash" will now be digitally altered, or bleeped (a word that PBBBS News Corps has recently learned is the technically correct word for audio censorship) during the playing of the videos containing the words in question.

The Drama Escalates as Hicks are Misguided by Psuedo Science

hen Ratfurt Higgins discovered a fossilized bird in his backyard, his whole world was quite literally shattered. It seems that a new, super militant branch of the creationists has taken to planting bombs at archeological digs, museums, and colleges who would teach the dreaded Theory of Evolution, or as they refer to it, the "anti-christ of acadamia."

In court, Higgins testified that he was simply an archeological hobbyist, trying "...Have some friggin fun, and these crazies came in an' blowed it all up."

Initial Studies on the Blocking of the Sun are Greeted with Mixed Approval

n the wake of its rejection of an international treaty to curtail global warming, the Bush administration is seeking advice from a wide array of economists, business representatives, policy experts and pornographers as it tries to forge a new approach to the contentious issue. Most of those consulted, senior government officials said, are asserting that the science pointing to a serious problem is sound, and that there is need for concrete action. However, they claim that the source of the problem is not the rising levels of carbon dioxide and other heat-trapping greenhouse gases emitted by smokestacks and tailpipes, but rather, a far more obvious culprit: the sun.

Everyone Goes Home Happy

Bush is saluted by Canadian Mounted Police as he makes his way to the podium to deliver his moving speech.

n a moving speech that is sure to secure George W. Bush his place in history books, the President* stated that "...trade means freedom...we need trade..." With those few lines of carefully chosen speech, the President* answered all questions and addressed all concerns of the people against his proposed "free-trade."

Peaceful Peoples Outnumber Violent Thugs

A few of the violent individuals descending on Quebec.

s thousands of violent individuals descend upon Quebec City for the Free Trade Area of the Americas (FTAA) summit that began on April 20, much violence and chaos is expected. The meetings, which last through the 22nd of April, have been heavily prepared for by groups all over North and South America. Luckily, as many as fifty-thousand private individual’s are expected to arrive in Quebec City to help defeat the violence.

Professor Misses Prime Opportunity for a Royal Whizzing

The plane in question

DARK CANYON, UT—In a move that shocked many, George W. Bush left Professor Bikey Bike along with several key aids high and dry at a meeting place proposed by Bush himself. The meeting was to take place on Airstrip 6795 near Dark Canyon, UT last March. It has only now been discovered that Dubya, as he is cutely named, didn't show. The failed meeting was to be held in order to discuss the wholesale drilling of a pristine environment.

Colgate Starts Massive Recall of Bushpaste™ After Mystery Explosion Rocks the Southland

"Well, we both use Colgate toothpaste."

reaking a centuries old tradition that the Commander In Chief of the United States shall not work directly for an independent corporation, President George W. Bush recently accepted the position of spokesperson for the Colgate-Palmolive Corporation. Colgate, headquartered in New York, is the largest manufacturer of toothpaste and other oral hygiene products in the world.

Headline seen on the obituary page of the April 4, 2001 edition of the Duxbury Clipper: Louisa May Alcott to Visit.

The Clipper is an erudite, cutting edge information vehicle published somewhere in southeastern Massachusetts, faithfully read by about 4000 sour Ivy League graduates and wannabes who discovered five years after graduation that competing in the real world is harder than it looks and they need all the informational help they can get.

Shortage threatens everyone

SACRAMENTO, CA — In the capital building, things are not "all well and good" anymore. Urinals in the restrooms are not quite as comfortable and familiar as they used to be. Gone are the comforting smells and colors of the nations favorite little blue target. The great California Urinal Cake Shortage continues with no relief in sight. Stating that "this is a state issue" President* Bush went on to state that "if other states have enough urinal cakes, then California should deal with the situation on its own! [editors note: Bush asked for the exclamation marks, stating that they made him 'feel like a big man']"