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Crawler-Transporters not just for Rockets Anymore

The new Ford ExtremeTestament prototype in action for NASA

DEARBORN, Mich.—March 21, 2002
Ford officials today announced the advent of a new era in personal transportation units with the introduction of the Ford ExtremeTestament. Modeled on NASA's Crawler-Transporter series, historically used for moving the space shuttle and other space delivery systems to the launching area, this move puts Ford decisively ahead of the competition.

Asked if the eleven people needed to drive the vehicle posed a problem for their target market, Ford stated that 'this vehicle is so expensive, that only the 11 richest kings of Europe will be able to afford one, so not only does this vehicle provide unsurpassed passenger space, it will help to bring Europe together.

At over 40 meters in length and with a top speed of less than two kilometers an hour, Ford is also hoping that their new vehicle will reduce the amount of fatal highway accidents. Ford's only comment on the fact that the vehicle could only be driven in the Midwest, on four lane highways, and at that, taking up all four lanes of two-way traffic, was 'This sucker packs over 5,000 horsepower! That's a lot of horses."

Earth concerns

The Earth won't like the ExtremeTestament, environmentalists argue. They've been up in arms since Ford announced it would build this big, 2721-metric ton SUV that has estimated fuel economy as low as 0.007 miles per gallon (that is 350 liters of diesel fuel per kilometer) in the city.

Another group, drivers of small cars who already are distressed by the likes of current SUVs that block their view on the roads and can inflict crushing blows in crashes, also took an instant dislike to the ExtremeTestament.

Ford counters that the ExtremeTestament qualifies as a low-emission vehicle or better in all states and on all three engines (including the Nuclear Reactor Core 5000 model) that are offered. Further, it notes that more than 85 percent of the ExtremeTestament, by weight, can be recycled.

And, the automaker designed a first-ever BlockerBeam system and rear, standard trailer hitch to make the ExtremeTestament more compatible with cars in a crash. The two systems prevent the ExtremeTestament from riding over smaller vehicles and keeps smaller vehicles from sliding under the ExtremeTestament, Ford officials said.

The People

Soccer mom Wendy Fiornishdt, who resides in Weekentucky, MI is being held up by the Ford Motor Company as the 'ideal customer for the ExtremeTestament.' In an exclusive interview with PBBBS News Corps Mrs. Fiornishdt admitted that 'the damned thing is bigger that [expletive], but I really am getting used to it.'

"Now, instead of hauling the neighborhood kids to their [expletive] soccer field during soccer season, baseball field during baseball season, tennis rink during tennis season...well, you get the point. So instead of taking these kids all over the place, I can simply go out and bring the soccer field home when it is time to practice."