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Colgate Starts Massive Recall of Bushpaste™ After Mystery Explosion Rocks the Southland

"Well, we both use Colgate toothpaste."

reaking a centuries old tradition that the Commander In Chief of the United States shall not work directly for an independent corporation, President George W. Bush recently accepted the position of spokesperson for the Colgate-Palmolive Corporation. Colgate, headquartered in New York, is the largest manufacturer of toothpaste and other oral hygiene products in the world.

In a joint Press Conference with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, held on February 23, 2001, at the Green Top Camp Dining Hall in Camp David, Maryland, President Bush stressed the two leaders mutual adoration of the Colgate Toothpaste brand. Mr. Blair did not reciprocate, and there does seem to be some doubt as to whether or not there is an actual connection between Mr. Blair and Colgate-Palmolive. The Colgate Company has confirmed, however, that Mr. Bush is now their lead spokesman.

Much had been made of the many differences between the two world leaders, and when the issue came up at the February 23rd press conference, Mr. Bush was quick to point out the importance of Colgate Toothpaste in their relationship. Asked what similarities the two leaders had, Mr. Bush responded, “Well, we both use Colgate toothpaste.”

Mr. Blair was not quite so candid about his like of the toothpaste, or whether in fact he even actually used Colgate. Many in the British Press have long suggested that Mr. Blair is a Crest toothpaste man. Recently, reports from a leak from No. 10 Downing Street in London, the residence of the British Prime Minister, have hinted that Mr. Blair may actually be increasingly a Mentadent user. “He likes the Baking Soda aspect of the Mentadent product. He says it leaves his mouth with a fresh taste that Crest just couldn’t compete with,” the Downing Street aide that leaked the report has been quoted as saying. In fact, the aide, who spoke on a condition of anonymity, hinted that Mr. Blair had only used Colgate once, during his student days, and had declared it “Too sweet.”

Revelations that Mr. Blair might not actually be a Colgate user has led the American Press to inquire into why Mr. Bush may have made the statement. After much prompting, leaks from the office of Colgate CEO Reuben Mark acknowledged that Mr. Bush was in fact on the Colgate Payroll, and had been paid to make the accusatory statements about Mr. Blair’s Toothpaste use. “Hey, we already had one world leader on board, we figured why not go for two. But when Mr. Blair was noncommittal about promoting our product, we had to resort to other tactics. We knew that given the sensitivity of issues between the U.S. and Britain that Mr. Blair wouldn’t risk causing an international incident by attempting to call Mr. Bush a liar,” an anonymous assistant to Mr. Mark told a PBBBS News Corps reporter. “So, we just had G.W., or ‘Little Georgie’ as we call him, make the statement about Mr. Blair’s toothpaste choice.”

Although the White House has not confirmed that Mr. Bush is in fact on the Colgate payroll, references to Colgate Products have been popping out in numerous Bush speeches. At a speech to the Association of Television and Radio Reporters last week, Mr. Bush likened the clean and fair reporting of American reporters to “that squeaky clean feeling that Colgate Total leaves in my mouth.” Earlier, in a press conference regarding the President’s recent raising of acceptable Arsenic levels in American drinking water, the President referred to the water in American taps as being “as clean as an Irish Spring.” Calling for his administration’s space-based Nuclear defense program, Mr. Bush said, “Our nation needs a nuclear shield that will protect all our citizens from nuclear missiles just like Speed-Stick Ultimate Antiperspirant/Deodorant protects from nasty underarm sweat and odors.” Finally, in a last night’s press briefing about the current crisis involving an American plane that made an emergency landing in China on Sunday, Mr. Bush said that if the airmen are not returned promptly, the United States “will wipe them Chinese clean like Palmolive Spring Sensations Dishwashing Liquid, if you catch my drift.”

Apparently more and more Americans are catching Mr. Bush’s drift, and have been buying up Colgate-Palmolive products with much haste. As the stock market continues to drop, Colgate stock rates keep going up and up. When asked recently about this sole survivor in the American financial world, Mr. Bush said merely “Well, I don’t know why Colgate is doing so well, when so many other companies are dropping like flies, but my guess is that it has to do with the superior cleaning abilities of FAB Laundry Detergent. I mean, that is what Laura uses here in the White House, and man, does that stuff get my socks white!”